Clever Characters

Last week the storms came through and at one point our home's lights dimmed, flickered, and then returned to brightness. This occurrence made me think about my mother. In the most recent months she has been diagnosed with dementia. From day to day I am never quite sure if her mind will be dim or bright. Some days it starts a bit dim then a flicker seems to occur and she is bright again. This has thrown me for a loop on multiple levels. I've had countless tear filled conversations with God. At other times I have shook my fist at Him in rage. My overwhelming thought is THIS IS NOT FAIR. I WANT MY MOMMY. After my fit I crawl into His arms for comfort. I can think of no other place to go. I think my hardest hurdle is the regret that accompanies this. Why didn't I talk more and watch television less on my visits to her home. Why didn't I plan more grandmother dates for my mom and my daughter? Why...it is the word that is causing me the greatest amount of pain. WHY is the rea

I remember a conversation with my Life Coach about ten years ago. I was hurting. My heart was breaking. I truly thought it was more than I could bear. What he said was life changing. "Stop carrying this in your mind. Move it to your heart and let God carry it with you. Your mind was not made to carry this. God works in ways your mind cannot understand. But your heart was made to link with His. He wants to carry this." Fast forward 7 years. The amount of pain and disappointment we have walked through as a family makes the pain of ten years ago seem like a pinprick. Cancer, unemployment, death of a parent, miscarriage, more unemployment, difficult people, dementia, heath issues, car trouble and that is the stuff I can list in a public forum. The difficult path my family is on includes extended family members as well. About the time I think things are making a turn for the better there is more news to process and release to God. When sharing details with a friend she commented,

Tuesday night I went upstairs to get Katie Beth for dinner. I found her seated in the family room with her father deep in conversation. When KB turned around I could tell she had been crying. As Brad looked at me he said, "I think you should ask your mom about this too." And so she did. "Mom, why did Adam and Eve have to sin? What made them want to do things their way instead of God's way. Why didn't God stop them? And now look around at our world, so many people are hurting from sin." Tears ran down her face. I won't go into my response because I want to focus on her wisdom. At eight she knows that individual sin impacts generations. She knows sin is the choice of not yielding our will to God's desire. In short she understands the root of sin is self. AKA selfish, self-reliant, self serving... Sin, the decision to allow "my will" into the driver's seat instead of "God's will", separates me from God. Sometimes my driving

I took Katie Beth and two of her friends to the circus this summer. I jotted down the following observations while I was there. 1. People attending actually dress as clowns. WHOLE families showed up in clown attire. Which leads me to the obvious question: Why? It is 5 million degrees and the way your clown make up is running down your face scares me. 2. Watching the acrobats perform I was reminded of a fantastic book I read this summer. Think Differently, Live Differently by Bob Hamp. You should read it. 3. What leads one to the following declaration, " Mom when I grow up I want to train zebras." ? 4. When we were led in the National anthem I made the scientific discovery that by and large Texans can sing pretty darn good. 5. Not sure what this is about but I was very jealous of the sheen of the horses' hair. Seriously how do they get that beautiful shine? I think my hair is having a mid-life crisis. 6. Souvenirs: Boys want a sword. Girls want a stuffed animal. Hmmm, boy

I have battled faulty thinking off and on my whole life. The flow goes like this. I believe God loves me BUT He HAS TO to love me for crying out loud by definition HE IS LOVE. Therefore God's love is all about HIM and not necessarily about ME. The thinking discounts His love for ME and makes me feel as if it is an obligation or chore to love me. The same thinking warps how I think Brad sees me. It goes like this. He has to love me because he is my husband. He promised God he always would. Deep sigh, but does he even like me? Separating my thinking from God's truth has been very difficult. One of the most comforting verses in the Bible for me is "Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;" Proverbs 3:5. In my mind's eye I picture myself placing all my weight on a pile of words that explode. And then I hit the ground, HARD. As you can imagine this unbridled thinking is a far cry from the abundant life God wants for me. When I learn

When Brad and I were first dating we had a conversation about money that we have referred back to many times. I was teaching kindergarten at the time and sharing my frustration about teaching the value of twenty-five cents. He pulls a coin out of his pocket and said,"Deana just hand them a quarter." I thanked him for the solution, pocketed the newly aquired quarter, rolled my eyes dramatically and said, "or 25 pennies, two dimes, and a nickel, fifteen pennies and a dime, there are many correct answers to this one question!" He grinned and playfully said, "I guess there is more to it than just a quarter. I'm glad I'm not the Kindergarten Teacher." To this day when we face a challenge and are getting frustrated during our brainstorming Brad will pop out the word, "Quarter" several times in a row and we will laugh. "Quarter,quarter" is an instant reminder that life's questions can have more than one right answer. Recently I hav